The 24 Hour Fast

I'm going to fast today. I've tried to fast in the past but I've never been very successful. I am sometimes able to abstain from specific foods for a period of time but giving up food altogether for any length of time has proven very difficult. I plan to fast on water only.

Over the course of the day I am going to update this post to offer my insights and challenges. I have not eaten since last evening so I'm already well into this fast. For the sake of simplicity I'm going to consider midnight of last night as my start time.

7:00 AM - I have not had anything to eat since going out for ice-cream with some friends after supper last evening. I'm not much of a breakfast person so I'm not feeling any loss yet. I have tea or coffee every day but my hot water substitution is surprisingly satisfying.

8:52 AM - I'm hungry. This is where I usually fail -the first hurdle! I might say something simple and dismissive to end the fast without debate, like, 'fasting is stupid.' Or, I might give myself a rational excuse about how I have to work tonight so I need to keep up my energy. I'll tell myself I will fast another, better day when there will be fewer challenges because I don't want to set myself up for failure. I'll remind myself that there is fresh fruit in the fridge that is going to spoil, that I am meeting a friend for coffee later, that God loves me just as I am and I need not prove anything with such an outdated, legalistic practice. Today I am going to try simply being aware of such thoughts and letting them float by without grasping and playing with them.

10:42 AM - I made some pancakes and topped them with a generous amount of butter and maple syrup for the girls. When you're a mom you don't get a break from preparing food, even if you are fasting! My belly is starting to growl.

4:25 PM - We live in an apartment building and I can smell at least 2 tasty dishes being prepared this evening. My belly actually aches. It's been a good day so far though. My hunger reminds me to turn to God with some extra prayer.

8:30 PM - Still fasting. I work the night shift tonight so I slept a few hours which helped the time pass. I am surprised by how well I am doing. Once I took the option to eat off the table, so to speak, the hunger became manageable. The real battle is the mental war, the hunger pangs are a small discomfort.

11:00 PM - I'm suffering with nausea and a little shakiness now. My body is definitely ready to break this fast. Just one more hour to go. Thank goodness I can eat as soon as I arrrive at work! I can only imagine what it is like to live with hunger all the time. I know one day of hunger cannot begin to compare to a lifetime of poverty but I have been reflecting on these issues throughout the day.

Final Reflections - I broke my fast at midnight with an orange followed by a banana. For the last hour, and even for an hour after I ate, I felt miserable. I was extremely nauseaus and very weak/shaky. Heading to work after 24 hours of fasting is not recommended! However, this particular job is not physically demanding and I didn't need to interact with anyone so it was manageable.

I wish I could have spent more time in prayer and meditation yesterday, but it's not always possible to carve out a half hour or an hour when you are a working mom. I did find myself leaning on God a little more throught the day and I will definitely be fasting periodically from now on.

To Be a Prayer Warrior

I can only imagine what it would be like to consistently begin and end each day with prayer; to seek guidance and express gratitude as a way of life; to say grace before every meal; to pray with each child at bedtime; to humbly present myself at the Throne of Love when I am floundering.

I believe in the miraculous power of prayer.
I believe prayer can change lives.
I believe prayer will change my life.

Today, I pray.

The Daily Examen

A few days ago a friend mentioned Ignatian prayer in a blog post which led me to research St. Ignatius and his spiritual exercises. Wiki tells us that Ignatius of Loyola was "a Spanish knight from a Basque noble family, hermit, priest since 1537, and theologian, who founded the Society of Jesus (Jesuits)." His spiritual exercises, consisting mainly of prayer and meditations, are meant to bring people into a deeper relationship with God.

The Examen of Consciousness is one of St. Ignatius' most well-known spiritual exercises. At the heart of this daily practice is a review in which one reflects on their day with the intention of becoming more spiritually minded and tuned into God. This prayer method helps us see how we have responded to God's movings and promptings throughout our day and when we have failed to do so.

I scoured the net and found all kinds of variations on this exercise, but generally they all follow the same process. I noted the things that resonated with me then whittled it down to a simple practice I could easily incorporate into my day. I've only been doing this for a few days but the results are profound. I already find myself much more God-conscious and I'm receiving supernatural help for issues that have held me back for a very long time. For the review I chose and created questions that I felt would be most helpful for me.

RECALL THAT YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD

“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

God is always present but I am not always mindful of this. I'll now take the necessary time to fully experience God’s presence.

THANKSGIVING

“In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” (1 Thess 5:18)

What do I have to be grateful for today? What have I taken for granted that deserves thanksgiving? I'll now talk to God about these things.

PRAYER FOR THE LIGHT

“The Holy Spirit whom the Father will send in my name will teach you everything.” (John 14:26)

Only the Holy Spirit can help me to know my true self as a child of God and shine light on that which I need to see. I'll now invite the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide me.

REVIEW THE DAY

• How were my thoughts, words and deeds today?
• Which of my feelings and moods are drawing me closer to God?
• Which are driving me away?
• How conscious have I been of God’s presence today?
• Where were there barriers to God's presence or resistance on my part?
• When did I reach out to help others?
• What held me back when I neglected to do so?
• Was I so preoccupied with my own plans that I missed an opportunity?
• Did I bring Christ to my community?
• Did my community bring Christ to me?
• Did I go out to the lonely, the sorrowful, the discouraged and needy?
• Have I been a sign of God’s presence and love to the people I met today?
• When did I neglect to stand up for truth, to share my beliefs and faith?
• Am I sharing my story honestly with myself, God and others?
• How was I drawn to God today?
• Did I see God in the beauty of nature, a song, poem, story, scripture?
• Did I call on God in my doubt, fear, work, failures and weariness?
• Did I share my peace, hope, joy, successes and gratitude with Him?
• Are any of my daily habits interfering with my spiritual growth?
• Are there spiritual practices I need to cultivate? 
• Are there specific people I am allowing to influence me negatively?
• Where has Christ helped me overcome challenges today?
• Could I have accepted more help from Christ?
• Can I become more sensitive to God’s grace?

RESPOND TO THE REVIEW

Now it's time to have a heart to heart with God. I may need to seek forgiveness, ask for direction, share a concern or express gratitude in response to my daily review. What changes can I make? What specific graces do I need to make those changes? I'll now ask God to provide that which I need to draw closer to Him and resolve to be more conscious tomorrow. Finally, I give thanks to God for His gentle work inside my heart as we labour together to help me become more Christlike, day by day.

Better Together: The Spiritual Practice of Community

Western culture places enormous value on the individual, independence and personal achievements. We often live completely removed not only from our neighbours but also from our own family. Gone are the days of the multi-generational home and a true sense of community. There was once a time, not so long ago, when a family would (literally) not survive without their neighbours. Nowadays those who work, eat and play with their actual neighbours are probably Amish or living on a commune. Even those of us who start out in a nuclear family and grow to have children of our own usually end up alone. We break away from our parents, our children fly the coop and our spouses die. If we are lucky enough to grow old we will find ourselves among the loneliest, most depressed demographic in the world; either living alone or dying with strangers in a nursing home.

I know many people, mostly introverts, who are quite comfortable in their own company; but even introverts need to be intimately involved with others. Living in community challenges us in ways that no other spiritual practice comes close to: we learn to work together, make sacrifices, forgive, share and cooperate. We also learn that we can't always get what we want, that we aren't the centre of the universe and that other people matter. We share in their joy and suffering. When we know people well they become real people, with histories and dreams of their own; not just two-dimensional characters in our own story.

It seems to me that stronger communities, not communities of like-minded individuals but actual side-by-side neighbours helping one another, just might be the most important step backwards the world could hope to make. A few months ago I heard a popular feminist on talk radio. I can't remember her name but she's been around for decades and the interviewer asked her what change would most help improve the lives of women. I expected her to say something like more women in politics or equal pay but she surprised me by saying (I'm paraphrasing here) that women need to start working together again. That every day in every neighbourhood women are in their homes doing the exact same chores: cooking and cleaning and raising their children. We are all exhausted and lonely. Imagine how much more efficient it would be if the women worked in groups, some minding the children, a few prepping evening meals, others spending the afternoon folding laundry or running errands for the group. By the end of the day all the work would be accomplished with much less effort and in the company of others.

I know I am an idealist but there is a realist in me too. I know this would never work and I think I know why: we have forgotten how to live with others. We want it our way, right away. We have preferences for how the socks are folded, how much cumin is in the curry and which route to take through town. We live in the kind of society where if we don't like the way someone looks or how they spend their time we never have to talk to them -even if there is only one wall separating their home from our own. And we won't even look like snobs if we ignore them; they expect us to! In fact, we'd be going out on a limb if we walked next door to introduce ourselves. We'd probably be received apprehensively if not suspiciously. Who can blame them? We ourselves don't want to be inconvenienced or imposed on. Sure, we'll help out at church on Sunday but heaven forbid someone knock on our door after supper when we've put our feet up in front of the television after a long, hard day. We want to give on our terms. We guard our time jealously, as if it actually belongs to us.

I want to live and work side-by-side with other women and their families. If I spend a whole day inside this little apartment with my husband and two children I start to go a little crazy. I get mean, impatient, bored and discouraged. I need other women to talk to, to teach me how to be a good mother, to help me stay on course, to show me how to make a good casserole. I want my children to grow up with friends who live next door and not spend my days driving to play groups or activities across town. I want to be in relationship with people simply because they are people who live close by not because they meet a certain criteria to be considered my friends. It seems we no longer need to enter into any relationship that really challenges us. Real life neighbours make for complicated relationships: they are alcoholic, elderly, wealthy, cancer survivors, immigrants, drug dealers, prom queens and assholes. We choose our friends because they are like us. They like the same movies, share our religious beliefs and sense of humor. We are usually close in age, have similar incomes and dress pretty much the same. Boy, we must really love ourselves! Every relationship we choose reinforces our choices and affirms our worth.

But it ain't so with neighbours. We don't choose them. They are kind of like family in that respect. We must learn to work through our differences, to tear down walls and build healthy boundaries, to let go, to be useful, to be valued and to be vulnerable, to give and receive. It's very difficult to be spiritually well on our own. We grow together or we stay sick alone (in our little oasis of a home where the laundry is folded properly and the curry always has just the right amount of spice!).

Learning the Art of Patience

I'm not a very patient person. I've been aware of this shortcoming for many years but only recently have I made a conscious decision to practice patience as a spiritual discipline. It's a deeply challenging commitment and I feel it pushing me into a whole new level of being. My impatience has lead to poor decisions and missed opportunities. I have hurt myself and those closest to me. Not only that, instead of being fully present and enjoying the moment, I often find myself racing through life like an addict desperate for her next fix.

I'm so caught up in getting things done that I lose the ability to see let alone meet the needs of those around me. I see tasks instead of people and practice efficiency when I could be expressing empathy. Nowhere is this more apparent than in my work as a nurse at a long-term care facility. The workload is heavy so we have very little time to spend with any one resident. I find myself avoiding small talk, dismissing needs and rushing residents through their meals and cares. At home I am painfully aware of the extra time it takes to allow my toddler to figure things out for herself. I can do it myself, let me do it! is her everpresent mantra these days and my rebuttals are just as predictable: We're too late. Hurry up. Focus. You're taking too long. Just let me do it!

Even more difficult than the time crunch factor are the inevitable personality conflicts that arise. Learning to have patience with someone who is deliberately mean or manipulative is far more challenging than having patience with someone who is unwittingly pissing me off. At work I am expected to maintain therapeutic relationships with some very hostile people. On a regular basis I am criticized, ignored and degraded. I've had my wrists grabbed and my face slapped. Usually these people are suffering with dementia or mental illness, but some are just plain hateful. Here's an example of a situation I encountered just this past week:

Resident: Get me an egg sandwich; this dinner is terrible. 

Me: We don't have any egg sandwiches but there are some tuna sandwiches in the kitchenette.

Resident: I don't eat tuna! I pay top dollar to live here. There must be someone who can make me an egg sandwich.

Me: (Taking a deep breath and trying to remain calm.) As soon as I finish passing out the dinner trays I'll go down to the main kitchen and see if the staff can make you one.

Resident: You always have to wait for something in this place. What happened to actually caring for people? Nurses aren't what they used to be.

I did go down to the main kitchen and wait while the cook made an egg sandwich but when I brought it back to the resident she ended up taking just one bite and spitting it on the floor. This is horrible. I wouldn't feed this to a dog! I wonder if you can imagine how much it made my blood boil to wipe up spit food off the floor and dumping that uneaten sandwich in the garbage after going out of my way to appease her. Mealtime is very busy in nursing homes and we rarely entertain last minute special requests.

This resident remained rude throughout my shift. I did my best to remain kind and professional but eventually I cracked. As I was getting her ready for bed she threw another snarky criticism at me and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. You're right, I told her angrily, I can't do anything right so why should I bother trying? With that said I abruptly turned and walked out of the room. I didn't return to help her with anything for the remaining hour of my shift. I lost patience.

Actually, I shouldn't say I lost patience because truthfully I don't think I had any to begin with. I was remaining outwardly calm and polite but underneath the surface I was still a ball of nerves. She set my teeth on edge and I hated every minute I spent in her presence. My defenses finally crumbled and I showed my true colors. Then, within minutes, the guilt set in.

I spoke to my pastor about this incident and he lead me to some important insights. Not least of which was that I had been expecting this person to be won over by my actions. Deep down I believed that if I was kind enough she would stop being mean to me. I viewed her bad attitude as my own personal failure. I had been treating her with respect and kindness but she wasn't returning the favor. It was so unfair!

I had been modifying my behaviors but I had not yet changed my thinking. I was merely hiding my frustration. Practicing patience, it turns out, is much more than simply controlling my angry outbursts. True patience involves abandoning my agenda to enter a new perspective -one that seeks to accept and cooperate with the will of others. By acknowledging their independence I free myself from the misery of expectation. Some people will remain distressed and miserable no matter how much love we shower them with. When I approach a relationship with a personal agenda, using my patience and kindness as a tool to get someone to do what I want, I am simply being manipulative. Can I still be kind and patient when that person tosses my agenda out the window? Now there is the real test!

"In your patience possess ye your souls." (Luke 21:19)

The Hardest People to Love

Jesus told us that the most important commandment, after loving God, is to love our neighbours as ourselves. I have lived in apartment buildings most of my life so I know firsthand that sharing space with strangers who have different values can be frustrating to say the least. I've been neighbours with people who party loudly, drink and fight, let their kids run wild, use the halls as a place to store soiled diapers, leave their laundry in the washing machines for days, dump old appliances and furniture in the yard for others to deal with, are ignorant and abusive, smoke in the hallways, get too close for comfort and sell drugs.

Then there are the leeches. These folks, often sweet but socially inept, are overly friendly and invade your life by knocking on your door just to chat or ask favours. They've known you for five minutes and suddenly you are their best friend. You find yourself sneaking in and out of your own home hoping they won't see you coming or going. They assume that living in the same building means they should know about your personal life and don't hesitate to share their own. These situations are probably the most frustrating for me because I have a hard time establishing and maintaining boundaries. I am always nice but deep down I want them to leave me alone. These people are hard for me to tolerate let alone love.

And this love commandment gets even harder. You see, I have a sneaking suspicion that Jesus didn't limit his definition of neighbour to the family next door. It's (usually) pretty easy to love our own clan, and even to love anonymous strangers who we see struggling, but when someone is close enough for us to see their faults and invade our space but not close enough to be in our personal circle, it gets mighty difficult to feel the love. These neighbours are our coworkers, classmates and church family. We might not see eye to eye, share values or even like each other's personality, but we need to spend a lot of time together.

Can I love the coworker who is always bossing me around and treating me like a child--the one who has worked with me for four months but still can't remember my name? Not easily.

Can I love the clerk who never returned my calls when my daughter needed medical treatment, who misplaced paperwork, didn't put us on the waiting list and was unapologetic if not annoyed by our inquires after waiting weeks for an appointment? Probably not.

Can I love the woman at church who often offers constructive criticism of my initiatives with the toddler ministry even though she has not stepped up to offer any help herself? Barely.

Can I love those who are arrogant, dumb, oblivious, weak, snobby, ignorant, judgmental, bossy, phony, two-faced, mean, lazy, weird, overly dramatic, painfully chipper or emotional vampires? Sometimes.

I know I am not perfect--some days I am painfully aware of this fact--but I still seem to have a major problem accepting others in their imperfection. An old friend recently told me something I shared with him years ago that stuck with him. Apparently I said, "people are at where they're at," which basically means we need to accept people as they are. Sounds like I was pretty wise back then. These days I am acutely aware of just how little I am able to love. I consider myself active, conscientious and generous but am I truly loving?

Perhaps loving acceptance comes easily to some but for me it takes conscious practice. I need to recognize the voice of the enemy--my ego--who is eager to tell me I am being offended, threatened or rejected. This voice separates me from others and feeds on my fear. But there is also a quiet voice within that unites and heals rather than wounding and isolating. It is this spirit, call it the Holy Spirit if you will, or God Within, that connects me with all that I lack. Infinite love, boundless joy, forgiveness and serenity. There is no fear when I tap into the Divine Source and drink from the Eternal Cup. Oh, but that gentle voice is so often drowned out by the loud and angry ego. One must remember to listen if she wishes to hear.

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,but have not love, it profits me nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

Many Paths to God

Path: Worship
Motto: God is a lover who hungers to be loved in return.

It's easy to recognize people who experience God through worship. They sing and smile (or cry) and sometimes lift their arms in the air. They are deeply moved by the spirit and it takes over their entire being. I'm not like that. Vibrant, exuberant expressions of worship make me a little uncomfortable. In fact, I don't even sing much during service. I'm tone-deaf and self-conscious about that so singing causes me to focus more on myself than God. If I just close my eyes and enjoy the music I connect with God much better.

Path: Preaching
Motto: To teach is to learn twice.

These passionate and charismatic teachers seem to channel something greater than themselves when they have an audience. Martin Luther King Jr. had the gift -so do most cult leaders. I'm a great teacher if you want to learn how to take better photographs or dress a wound, but I am not a good spiritual teacher. I'm far too open-minded to consider my religious practice and interpretation of scripture to be the final truth so I lack the conviction necessary to teach.

Path: Discipline
Motto: God is in the details.

These personalities love structure, law and order. Studying scripture and following the rules is extremely important to these people. Monks, ascetics and zealots follow the path of discipline to feel closer to God. I could use a little more discipline in my life that's for sure.

Path: Service
Motto: Serve the Christ in one another.

This is the path of action and charity. These folks go out of their way to help others. They aren't afraid of hard work and give generously. They may or may not not feel comfortable discussing theology, having a heart-to-heart or dealing with eccentric personalities but they will volunteer their resources, time and skills without hesitation when they have something to offer. I would like to start volunteering regularly and know that this is a path I could easily follow.

Path: Love
Motto: If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

It's easy to recognize lovers. They share loving kindness equally with friends and strangers. A rude cashier would probably elicit their empathy rather than anger; they respond quickly to those in distress and spend more time listening with an open heart than offering solutions. You won't hear a lover participating in idle gossip and if they have strong judgements or criticisms they hide them well. Lovers tend to be people-orientated rather than task-oriented and prefer small groups and meaningful conversation. Me? I'm much more task-oriented but I'm getting better at opening my heart and quieting my critical mind.

Path: Contemplation
Motto: Be still and know that I am God.

Those who do follow this path not only enjoy but require daily solitude for their peace of mind. Some people may go on weekend retreats, take periodic vows of silence or, like the Carmelites, devote their lives to contemplative prayer. There is a wonderful Russian Orthodox tradition in which a person retreats alone to a small, sparsely furnished cabin called a poustinia to be with God through fasting and prayer. This sounds delicious and transformative but is completely unrealistic for me today. I do feel ready to start a daily meditation practice though; perhaps just ten minutes daily.

***

If a spiritual practice requires a lot of effort and brings little satisfaction it probably isn't our primary path. I'm not saying that we shouldn't do things that require effort, or push ourselves outside the box, but maybe we could put most of our energy into doing those things that come most naturally. When we become aware of our talents we can dedicate ourselves to honing those skills. I know my life will become much richer when I start honoring my unique self rather than trying to be everything I admire in others.

I tried for a long time to fit into certain molds. I wanted to share the beliefs of the majority and be as charismatic, dedicated, contemplative and charitable as my role models. It is a completely overwhelming and unrealistic way to live. I no longer believe God wants or needs me to do everything well. God is telling me to be me, and that is enough. I'm eager to discover my gifts and develop them. I've recently experienced a series of meaningful coincidences that lead me to believe God thinks I'm hiding my light under a bushel. I'm also trying to admire the gifts others have to share with gratitude instead of coveting their abilities.

Do you use any of these paths to connect with God? What about art and nature? Do you use your gifts to serve God or are you hiding your light under a bushel?