Love 'em all, and let God sort 'em out!

I believe marriage between two consenting adults should be a civil right. Gay couples who have committed to spending their lives together, who share their finances and living space, pain and joy, should be entitled to the same benefits and responsibilities as any heterosexual couple. It is not proper for a group of Christians to impose their religious convictions on a secular society. This has nothing to do with whether or not I believe being gay is a sin (a pointed question Rob Bell appears desperate to dodge), and everything to do with the separation of state and kingdom. Creating laws based on "majority Christian" values and imposing those laws on a diverse group of believers, non-believers and other-believers, is a recipe for resentment and division. Enforcing rules will not usher in God's kingdom. We do more harm than good when we treat gay people as less than. We need to love people into the kingdom, not convict them of their sins -that's God's department.

But is being gay a sin? I really wish Jesus had met a homosexual at the well, or given us a parable about this issue, but he didn't, so we are left to consider how Jesus treated other marginalized people. Who were the marginalized people in Jesus' day? Who were looked down upon, considered less than, or morally suspect? The poor, the disabled, women, children, Samaritans, adulterers, tax collectors, criminals... and in every one of these cases Jesus elevated their status. He built them up rather than tearing them down. He was radically inclusive and had harsh words for anyone who sought to dismiss, exclude or destroy God's people -even those who didn't consider themselves one of God's chosen, even those who were considered the worst sinners of his time! Jesus never once addressed the issue of homosexuality, and as such, I am inclined to believe it wasn't a pressing issue for him.

Having said that, I do not believe all sexual orientations/expressions are spiritually healthy. Gay people, like straight people, may be personally convicted about their sexual practices and God will let each and every one of us know what is right if we choose to ask and listen. In the early church eating meat sacrificed to idols was considered an abomination by some, but for others their conscience did not convict them that it was wrong. Even though we clearly read in Acts and in Revelation that it is wrong to eat meat sacrificed to idols, Paul states in Ephesians that those who feel convicted to abstain from meat should not condemn those who are not convicted, who do not struggle with the issue. This may seem like a stretch for some people, but this was a big deal for the early church, and it received much more attention than homosexuality. Culturally, the early church had little to no context for two consenting adults engaging in a committed, exclusive relationship, and following Jesus.

I will admit, I could be wrong about this whole thing, but I don't think I am. Nonetheless, let me be judged as loving too much, including too many people in God's kingdom, than for dismissing, excluding or shaming. Love 'em all, and let God sort 'em out!

The Hardest People to Love

Jesus told us that the most important commandment, after loving God, is to love our neighbours as ourselves. I have lived in apartment buildings most of my life so I know firsthand that sharing space with strangers who have different values can be frustrating to say the least. I've been neighbours with people who party loudly, drink and fight, let their kids run wild, use the halls as a place to store soiled diapers, leave their laundry in the washing machines for days, dump old appliances and furniture in the yard for others to deal with, are ignorant and abusive, smoke in the hallways, get too close for comfort and sell drugs.

Then there are the leeches. These folks, often sweet but socially inept, are overly friendly and invade your life by knocking on your door just to chat or ask favours. They've known you for five minutes and suddenly you are their best friend. You find yourself sneaking in and out of your own home hoping they won't see you coming or going. They assume that living in the same building means they should know about your personal life and don't hesitate to share their own. These situations are probably the most frustrating for me because I have a hard time establishing and maintaining boundaries. I am always nice but deep down I want them to leave me alone. These people are hard for me to tolerate let alone love.

And this love commandment gets even harder. You see, I have a sneaking suspicion that Jesus didn't limit his definition of neighbour to the family next door. It's (usually) pretty easy to love our own clan, and even to love anonymous strangers who we see struggling, but when someone is close enough for us to see their faults and invade our space but not close enough to be in our personal circle, it gets mighty difficult to feel the love. These neighbours are our coworkers, classmates and church family. We might not see eye to eye, share values or even like each other's personality, but we need to spend a lot of time together.

Can I love the coworker who is always bossing me around and treating me like a child--the one who has worked with me for four months but still can't remember my name? Not easily.

Can I love the clerk who never returned my calls when my daughter needed medical treatment, who misplaced paperwork, didn't put us on the waiting list and was unapologetic if not annoyed by our inquires after waiting weeks for an appointment? Probably not.

Can I love the woman at church who often offers constructive criticism of my initiatives with the toddler ministry even though she has not stepped up to offer any help herself? Barely.

Can I love those who are arrogant, dumb, oblivious, weak, snobby, ignorant, judgmental, bossy, phony, two-faced, mean, lazy, weird, overly dramatic, painfully chipper or emotional vampires? Sometimes.

I know I am not perfect--some days I am painfully aware of this fact--but I still seem to have a major problem accepting others in their imperfection. An old friend recently told me something I shared with him years ago that stuck with him. Apparently I said, "people are at where they're at," which basically means we need to accept people as they are. Sounds like I was pretty wise back then. These days I am acutely aware of just how little I am able to love. I consider myself active, conscientious and generous but am I truly loving?

Perhaps loving acceptance comes easily to some but for me it takes conscious practice. I need to recognize the voice of the enemy--my ego--who is eager to tell me I am being offended, threatened or rejected. This voice separates me from others and feeds on my fear. But there is also a quiet voice within that unites and heals rather than wounding and isolating. It is this spirit, call it the Holy Spirit if you will, or God Within, that connects me with all that I lack. Infinite love, boundless joy, forgiveness and serenity. There is no fear when I tap into the Divine Source and drink from the Eternal Cup. Oh, but that gentle voice is so often drowned out by the loud and angry ego. One must remember to listen if she wishes to hear.

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,but have not love, it profits me nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)

Hey, Don't Think So Much!

I was recently told that I suffer with analysis paralysis. I let the comment sail by without offering a rebuttal but it felt like salt in a wound. It seems I keep getting the same message: these thoughts, these questions, aren't really okay. People might say it's okay to question things but their subsequent words or actions usually betray their (often subconscious) true feelings. Not everyone is a "thinker" and I get that, I really do. I don't have a burning desire to change or challenge every Christian on my radar. Some followers are content to trust the Bible and accept traditional teachings without much thought. That's okay. I don't understand it, but I can (usually) accept it. Sometimes I even envy it. Where I start to feel defensive is when it is implied that my questions betray a lack of commitment or faith; that eventually, as I mature spiritually, I will no longer ask so many questions.

Wiki defines analysis paralysis as over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation, so that a decision or action is never taken, in effect paralyzing the outcome. I am hurt and disappointed that someone has made this assessment of me. I wish I were secure enough to let people have their opinions without feeling the need to defend my position. Unfortunately I'm just not there yet. So I sat, a little stunned, and changed the subject.

But this is what I wanted to say:

My relationship with God, my decision to and the action of following Jesus, is not dependent on me wrapping Christianity up in one tidy little package. I prefer to unwrap this precious gift again and again; examining every last inch. I am okay not always having one definitive answer and I thoroughly enjoy exploring the plethora of possibilities. But that doesn't make me any less of a follower. I have made the decision and I do follow. That is why I am alive, here and now, living a new way of life, surrendering all my shame and hate and loneliness and failures to the One who loves and leads and takes pleasure in my questions. That is why I make choices everyday that go against my desires and instinct. I am certainly not paralyzed; I'm more free than I have ever felt in my whole life. Please don't clip my wings or knock me down a notch.

Yes, I am struggling. Every day I wake up and think, God, I am so broken, please help me do something useful today instead of hurting myself and everyone around me. Please help me love well. This is me making a decision, this is me following. I am very self-centered but (when I humbly ask) God gives me strength to get out of the way and do the next right thing. I'm not saying I do it perfectly, or even well, but this practice is very much a part of my life.

I've read a lot of dialogue (online) between more conservative and progressive Christians and what I've observed is that most conservatives perceive questions like mine as an avoidance of truth because we don't like the traditional answers; i.e. we don't like what the Bible says so we'll keep twisting and reinterpreting it until it says what we want. Like every good lie this one has a seed of truth, but this same accusation can be made of any group or individual who tries to interpret the Bible. We are all human -not mechanical, objective creatures. Dismissing my search as an attempt to distort truth is a convenient way of sweeping my questions under the rug and I don't like that. Truth should stand firm against scrutiny. If progressives are disregarded as relativists who try to impose 21st century values on a timeless message then conservatives are blind to their own cultural baggage and warped lenses. Just because a lot of people believe something to be true doesn't make it so. The church used to think the world was flat, used the Bible to prove it and punished those who thought otherwise as heretics. Our understanding of biblical "truth" is constantly evolving; it just happens more slowly among conservatives.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make here is that my questions are anything but a denial of truth, they are a search for it, in spite not only of the challenges and discomforts of not having quick and easy answers but also the criticisms of those who don't understand my journey. I don't believe I suffer with analysis paralysis. I think my analysis enriches, not diminishes, my faith and I'll go so far as to say that it is more likely that it is those who don't have questions who suffer with paralysis.

I really wish all this didn't bother me so much. I know a big part of the reason is that I am still learning to give myself permission to be me -to keep exploring that which puzzles me. It's tempting to keep it all to myself and just focus on the similarities. But man, that would be so boring and phony on my part. It takes a lot of guts for me to say what I really think and it brings me down when I feel misunderstood or judged. A few days ago I came across this sad website and immediately wondered how many of my Christian friends would have my photo up there among those who need to be evangelized to: Michelle the Heretic! Hopefully one of these days I'll stop feeling the need to defend my position and these kinds of posts will become less frequent. Until then, I still need to vent and work through the mess. It's just part of my process right now.

An Evening with Lewis

A few evenings ago I got together with a group of friends (Lisa, Brian, Josh and Jenny) to discuss Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Here's a passage Brian shared:

"That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.

We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be spreading through our system: because now we are letting Him work at the right part of us. It is the difference between paint, which is merely laid on the surface, and a dye or stain which soaks right through. He never talked vague, idealistic gas. When he said, 'Be perfect,' He meant it. He meant that we must go in for the full treatment. It is hard; but the sort of compromise we are all hankering after is harder - in fact, it is impossible. It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.

Since Easter is still fresh in everyone's mind let me mix those two analogies together and say I'm feeling very much like a painted egg these days. Why are my God moments so far apart? Why do I find it so difficult to turn to Him and surrender my crappy day/bad attitude/impatience/arrogance/fear/loneliness, etc.?

I want to be set free. I want to fly. I don't want to remain an ordinary, decent egg. Heck, I don't even feel like an ordinary, decent egg. I feel like a bad egg.

Jesus telling us to 'Be perfect' is just plain deflating. I suppose he's saying to strive for perfect love; not that it is possible to achieve it -at least not for any length of time. (Unless perhaps you are off on a mountain top or in a monastery removed from the world and it's unending assults, but even that is debatable.) Sorry Lewis but Jesus does seem rather vague and idealistic to me sometimes.

I often wonder if the people in my life (family, friends) notice any real change in my attitudes and behaviours since I've embarked on this journey with Jesus. Unfortunately I don't think they'd see much change at all. I feel like a big fat failure a lot. Brian said that the people in our life can't always perceive the changes taking place and when I think about the inner battles I've been fighting without the knowledge of those closest to me I'm sure he's right.

Jenny reminded me that it can be very difficult to recognize change on a day to day basis but over time we can see what has eluded us. Yes, when I compare the me I am today to the me I was two years ago I can see big changes.

Josh had a good point too. He said that even the fact that I'm questioning myself is proof that change is taking place. It's true that I'm über aware of all that I'm doing wrong now; how short I fall. Every thought, feeling and action is held under a microscope for inspection and it appears I'm a very sick girl. But this way of living, this constant vigilance, is exhausting and depressing. I suppose that's why it's so important to balance that reality with God's unlimited love and grace.