Thursday, May 17, 2012

Not Sure Where This Is Going

Ever get the feeling that the life you are living is not the life intended for you? Do you ever feel disconnected from the everyday and deep down certain that you have a higher calling that just isn't being fulfilled?

I trudge on, day after day, through what could be a very beautiful life. I am fed and safe and healthy. So are my children. I have the freedom to live life as I see fit -a privilege many women around the world can only dream of. And yet I feel fearful and trapped.

I used to think I knew the difference between right and wrong but these days I cannot make heads or tails of the decisions (or lack of decision) in my life. Am I doing what I am doing out of guilt? virtue? laziness? fear? love? selfishness? I cannot identify my own motivations. Perhaps there is a little truth in each.

I pray and I wait but there is no inspiration or certainty. I ask for a sign and wonder if I'm perhaps a little unstable mentally. What if there is no response because God, as I have imagined God to be, does not exist. Then I start to rail against the small gods I have created. The Father Christmas with his naughty and nice lists, the physician who prescribes bitter medicine for my own good, the loving but impotent old man, the intelligent but impersonal energy that connects us all. How can I believe in all these gods and none of them at the same time?

Intellectually I am aware that God is beyond understanding but emotionally I cannot accept it. Unlike carbon that is transformed to diamond under heat and pressure, I seem to reduce God to one of many juvenile caricatures when spiritual stress sets in. Aware of my mistake, the big fear then sets in: what if no one is watching? What if I have been comforting myself with nothing more than a psychological crutch. Deep down I think I know what I believe, but some days even that comes into question. Am I regressing? Am I losing my faith or just growing up? It seems as if I've been at this place too many times before. Perhaps it's not God but Christianity that is failing me. I mean, other than the life and teachings of Jesus I find it hard to understand let alone respect the God I encounter in the Bible.

But I digress.

If it seems as if I'm all over the place lately it is because I am all over the place. Everything is up in the air and I'm feeling rather foolish with all this juggling.

1 comment:

Perfect Virgo said...

I remember very well reading this plea for help at the time and wondering "why doesn't she unburden her soul to me..?" If only I had said so.