Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Paralyzed

I am tired, empty and confused. I feel suffocated by the circumstances in my life. Do I follow my head or my heart? Do I even know what my heart wants anymore? No. Why is the voice of God so hard to distinguish from my wants and fears? God feels a million miles away. I cry and I pray and I sleep away the day. I try to play with the kids and talk to my husband and do the next right thing. But I pretty much feel like the walking dead. Yet, there is something there. A spark of hope. I think I am becoming much better at dealing with suffering. Some days anyway. A lot of days I still find myself looking over the edge and wondering if today is the day I jump. I can't tell you if God is trying to push me off or hold me back. 

4 comments:

Brian Metzger said...

At least you know he's on the ledge with you.

Michelle said...

Very true.

jss said...

Sounds like you're not in a very good place. Are you speaking about a metaphorical ledge or a real ledge?

Michelle said...

Definitely metaphorical! I'll spare you the "I'm fine" line and tell you that I'm experiening one of those times in life when a lot of things aren't going well at the same time. Am I coping? Most days. There is the ocassional mini-breakdown which kind of acts like a pressure release valve. I figure between 2 jobs, school, kids, etc I can only afford to fall apart for a few hours at a time.

I do have some hope again though... which is much better than a few weeks ago. I think I'm moving in the right direction.