Thursday, February 9, 2012

I Am Who I AM

Sometimes, the hardest thing to be is yourself, nothing more and nothing less. The past few years I've been peeling back layers of my personality and getting to the fruit. I am coming to accept that I am who I am. Social stuff, even close relationships, weren't easy for me and I have battled feelings of inferiority for as long as I can remember. I didn't think anyone would like me just the way I am. I feared being found out -that people would eventually realize what a fraud I was. If I spent an evening with friends I'd spend the next 3 evenings picking apart every "stupid" thing I said or did. I despised my own words and feelings. I rejected my own story. 

But something really wonderful has been happening lately: I am seeing myself as a child of God and fellow sojourner -just another Bozo on the bus really! 

This perspective of brotherhood heals me in a fundamental way. We are equals. No matter how pretty she is or how intellectual he is or how much compassion or creativity or success they have, I am an equal.

Nowadays, when I catch myself being completely myself there is a quiet freedom that teeters on joy. I can ask questions when I am uncertain without being afraid of looking dumb. I can share my view, even if it's unpopular, without fearing judgment. I can tell my story without feeling shame. Why? Because when I tap into that perspective of brother/sisterhood and seek to share honestly and humbly, I have no facade to maintain or persona to defend. I am no longer speaking to impress, I am simply sharing/engaging without an agenda. At that point, I simply am who I am, nothing more and nothing less.

Then Moses said to God, “Behold, I am going to the sons of Israel, and I will say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you.’ Now they may say to me, ‘What is His name?’ What shall I say to them?” God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM”


jss said...

It take so much less energy to be who you really are doesn't it?

Pippi said...

I've been trying to get time to comment here, and I still don't have much. So I'll just say, thankyou, I love this post, and I'm learning to be myself to. And trying to find a balance between letting go of the past without throwing it away. Which is hard.

Michelle said...

You said it Eleanor. No wonder I always felt so drained by social functions in the past.

Pippi, thank you so much. That means a lot.