Monday, May 30, 2011

Hope in the Valley

My fears are big and my chest is tight. I find it hard to breathe right, to pray, to love. Okay God, where the hell are you? I'm so fucking sick and tired. I'm bored, lonely, resentful, easily frustrated and nitpicking. I'm overwhelmed by life's disappointments and all that will never be made right.

The storms rage on across this dying planet, orphan children are sold as sex toys, holy wars hold whole nations hostage and trees that stood when Jesus walked the earth are being cut down for a quick buck. Unfortunately most of us who could make a difference are too preoccupied organizing potlucks, designing blogs and making money to pay for our car insurance to notice all that.

I've resigned, given up and checked out. You are hiding somewhere far away from here God. Perhaps you are on a retreat ministering to suburban housewives or maybe you and Zeus are sipping margaritas on a Greek coast somewhere. Who knows. All I know is I'm having a real hard time seeing you these days. That probably says more about me than you. Probably.

I won't pull myself up by my bootstraps or fake it 'til I make it. I can't ignore, repress or pretend. But I won't allow myself to be paralyzed either. I am blind, deaf and lame and the path has turned into a treadmill but I continue on. I choose to put one foot in front of the other, acknowledging the sham and drudgery without becoming entirely intoxicated by it. I have come to embrace the valleys and be still in the darkness. This too shall pass. Dawn is inevitable.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.
~Alexander Pope~


John said...

Very well said

Sandra said...

been there, said that. revisit it often. I have no reassurance or advice, there is none that sound believable. But I will hold your hand in the dark (from across the continent, but still...)

D'Ma said...

Right there with you, Michelle. This is a beautiful post and resonates with my soul. I've searched and am exhausted of the looking. I have a hard time believing that God is too busy blessing the already blessed to bless those who have never been so.

jss said...

Sort of makes you wonder if God really is the way we've been led to believe he is don't it?

Anonymous said...

We need to check our assets: In addition to the 5 senses which were prepared in our mothers' wombs, look for the 3 higher forms of experience prepared after birth, in the womb of our souls: faith, hope, and love.

Just as the 5 senses were made ready before they were needed, the later 3 powers are ready in the world but are not quite of the world and so we only find their proper use in apprehending the shadows of realities that are higher than the ones we know through the 5 senses.

Pope refers to these 3 powers and their 'higher' objects, I think when he writes of that state which 'will be' blessed, but never quite 'is' fully blessed under the forms of the 5 senses.

Not that I am satisfied or blessed, but I have learned to seek the truth AGAIN.

Michelle said...

A fresh and interesting perspective. Thanks for taking the time to share it!

Now, I'm heading over to your blog to take a looksee...

Anonymous said...

I found this promising argument for the divine object of faith, hope, and love this week in the autobiography of Edward Herbert of Cherbury (d. 1648). He was a brother of the poet George Herbert.

To elaborate, the object of faith is ever-living truth (i.e. God), the object of hope is ever-living goodness (same), and the object of love is the ever-attractive beautific one - God.

I found your blog through Steve at Undeception. I think I made a transition out of my 'home' church similar to the one you are in the middle of. Best wishes.


Brian said...

Oddly my time with those who have the least and suffer the most seem to be where I've experienced the sweetest and most profound sense of God's presence.

Anonymous said...

hang in there kiddo. if i can get through the dips and periods of unbelief and questioning, i know you can too. it is always darkest before the dawn. miss you.

Reason's Whore said...

Gotta wonder about someone who experiences god where people "have the least and suffer the most" I mean, it sounds pretty sadistic.

God is imaginary. That's why there's no answer to your cries. Been there, done that. The good news is that once you accept it and move on, it does get easier.