I will not create my own hell. I refuse to willingly submit to the bondage of unforgiveness. These are the thoughts swimming in my head this morning. Perhaps I'm being influenced by my recent reading of The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. This is quite likely. I feel it (forgiveness) is not only a way to live (an ideal for which to strive) but perhaps it is the only way to live -truly live- a life of beauty and truth in the spirit.
I really must reconsider the lens through which I view this world. My perceptions: of broken self, strained relationships, corrupt and ineffective institutions -both religious and secular- are all tainted, or tinted if you will, by the lens my ego wears to protect itself. But as I grow to identify less with the ego and more with the Christ Spirit, I see with my naked eye that love is the ultimate truth -and truth cannot be destroyed- therefore I need not protect my ego but slay it and destroy the illusory lens of fear it creates. Because through Him I am transformed into love and love need not be protected, only shared.
My attack thoughts -my feelings of anger, jealousy and self-righteousness- arise from a need to defend due to the mistaken belief that I am vulnerable. The truth is that I am capable of great miracles through His salvation if only I choose to turn to Him in the moment. Salvation is not a one-time offer of eternal life after bodily death. It is Divine Providence, living waters to save us from spiritual death in the here and now: when the waitress is rude or our generosity is taken for granted; when we feel ignored or rejected; when we find our friends have been talking down about us behind our back or our spouse has been having an affair; when we are unjustly accused or maliciously abused. It is canceling all debts and calling an end to quid pro quo. It is the Holy Spirit doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. It is surrendering the ego to become a foot or arm or cell or atom in the living body of Christ. It is choosing love when fear is beckoning.